Upon hearing the news that almost half the GOM will be present at Holy Cross this weekend, I decided to put together a prediction of how the night will go. Due to an unhealthy consumption of cold ones, no deals will be made, but other excitement is sure to ensue. Here is a rough idea of how the night for each member will go:
Chuck’s Champs: Unfortunately, the night did not go Chuck’s way. Things began to take a turn for the worse immediately after he showed up wearing his newly purchased Montreal Canadians jersey. While walking down Caro Street he got heckled by riotous Bruin fans. Introducing himself as Alexei Kovalev was also unsuccessful. He was rejected by every girl he approached, as they walked away with disgust that he supported such a scumbag team. As a result, Chuck settled down early with a Molsen Ice while dreaming of moving in with two toothless strippers from St. Catherine’s Street.
Top Guns: While moving in on a freshman girl, he receives a text message from his significant other that read “She could be your daughter.” Feeling guilty, the Commish made his way back to the top bunk. He proceeded to turn on Sportscenter, set the ‘Sleep’ button for 45 minutes, then whispered sweet nothings into his fiancés ear via cell phone (Note: The three step ‘sportscenter-sleepbutton-cellphone’ process was awfully reminiscent of Russ Casse’s first two years at Holy Cross).
Black Knights: Riggins seemed to be the most promising. Tim was entertaining a group of attractive and easy girls. They were digging everyone of his stories. They loved Friday Night Lights and surprisingly, they were all fans of ‘Fast and Furious: Tokyo Drift.’ He brought one of the girls aside and asked to take her home. She was willing, but asked if he could wait 30 minutes to make sure her friend got home safely. Once again, Riggins’ uncontrollable insanity got the best of him. He lost it. He started run wind sprints across the living room, pulled out his Bowdoin College baseball stats, challenged a random kid to a pull-up contest, and acted out the well-rehearsed “peaces by inches” speech from Any Given Sunday. He was quickly restrained by other partygoers after he took a swing at the girl for calling him “too intense.”
The Dawlinators: Walton came in hoping to top Hangin’s performance from last year (Note: A smoking hot girl approached and introduced herself to Hangin last year. Rather than jumping her bones, he responded “put your hand down, you’re not worth my time.”) Unfortunately, Walton was once again unable to fill the shoes. Rather than focusing on getting it done, he spent his time in endless bickering with the other GOM members. After each team refused to make a deal with him, he went back to the Mulledy dorms. Here, he ‘googled’ and ‘facebooked’ pictures for hours on end, posting his favorite ones on the GOM blog. He was returned back to Russ’s house early in the morning by Public Safety (who apparently found him passed out with pants around his ankles, laying in front of a picture of Luke Walton throwing down a dunk enlarged on some random students computer screen,)
ID4’s: No surprises here. Casse drank some beers, got in a floor hockey-related argument with a friend, and went home early…empty-handed.
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